Pictures of me

So today I did something that I've NEVER ever done and didn't really consider. I photographed myself and sent the pictures to someone I met on the internet. GASP! right? That's what the mother in all of us (men included) initially say. But I stepped back and really thought about it just for a spell, just to take it for what it's worth, an experience really. An entry on my secret 'bucket list'. Something that my inner Anais Nin has always wanted to do.

They weren't nasty, in my opinion. Just a little cleavage - enough for me to feel like I'd taken a bit of a risk just enough to be controversial enough for myself. I considered the recipient, what the action meant and if I really was going to do it so much so that I could hardly sleep last night. It penetrated my thoughts and wouldn't leave me be to rest. The entire prospect was exciting, sexually. And even though I had taken measure to alleviate my disposition in the cover of darkness, the next morning before, after and during my mini-photo shoot, the crotch of my panties, were drenched. Even through my jeans. That's never happened to me before. Through all my considerations the previous day, I had no idea the effect photographing my own body, or even thinking about its intentioned purpose would have this kind of effect upon me. It was dangerous and exhilirating, like the first time I rode a motorcycle. Felt forbidden, but triumphal.

Throughout the whole day, I felt beautiful, alive and wildly primal in that 'just been fucked' kind of way. I wondered whether people noticed me, if they could smell my sex underneath the perfume I wore. Could anyone tell how wet I was? I looked at other drivers and people on the street as I drove around on an errand wondering why people don't consider their own beauty for what it really is. We're taught that somehow, and as you go through the milestones age brings along, like puberty, adulthood, marriage, the meaning of self changes as beauty turns perverse with age. It becomes sexy - but only for a while, then it becomes sleazy if perpetuated. Fuck that.

So cross that one off my secret bucket list. I think Anais would be proud.