What Would Anais Do?

Read a quote today from the lips (or pen perhaps) of Anais Nin:

"I have the right to love more than one person and to change my prince often."

She fucking rocks.

Like the true Anais Nin wanna-be I struggle with this concept inside my fledgling erotica mind. Many times in my life have I loved more than one person at the same time, but my struggle is truly believing I have the right to love more than one person at any one given moment. There's always an element of betrayal in my mind, as if my love is a known quantity, a finite resource that can only be doled out in equal amounts. Taking on another lover means subtracting the love from a previous/existing lover, an injustice of sorts, and through no fault of the existing lover(s). And to further complicate things, I inject levels of 'lover', whether it's physically, virtually or privately in my own fantasties. I beat myself up thinking this way, and my thoughts are always expressed no matter how hard I try to suppress them. My lovers sense the tension. They may or may not wonder what's wrong - i may be cool and indifferent or on fire with lust - but they sense a change.

And perhaps jealousy works this same way in my mind. What if Anais also meant to say that her lovers have the right to love more than one person and change their princess (or prince) often? I wonder all the time if my lovers have more than one lover (which they all do, I'm certain) and it makes me feel inadequate because my rules as outlined above also applies in this scenario; I can't be happy.

So I shift my thinking to love and what it means to love more than one person. Perhaps my love is NOT a known quantity, a finite resource. There is no "peak love" in existence. Sustainability with regard to love is a moot point. Perhaps the way my love works is like the federal reserve and money; when i need more, I make it. That doesn't seem too far-fetched. Or is it?

Perhaps love is energy that cannot be created nor destroyed. It only changes form. We fall in and out of love, discover new things about our lovers, thus our love waxes and wanes in response to that. But is there value in wondering about amount? How much love do I really have?

Anais would probably put her pen down right about now and tell me to stop thinking about it so much and get to the heart of what I really truly feel inside about her quote. And therein lies the issue. I don't know.

Anais Nin was a formidable journal writer, a National Geographic Explorer of her own mind and sexuality. I know exactly what she would do. Write about it. Maybe start a blog.

I'm one step closer...